Resident Evil: Deadpool
by Soron66
Summary: Yes. Me Deadpool. I'm involved in a universe comprised of the movies and the games concerning Resident Evil. I do not participate in smut or romance. sure i flirt, but that's rare. I just do a lot of slicing and dicing. going bang bang with my guns as well. Also, it's rated M for vulgarity, blood and gore
1. Prologue

Resident Evil: Deadpool

Written by a jackass

Edited by a self entitled prick

Oh hi there. Deadpool here. I know you're wondering. Why is Deadpool talking to the readers? Well as you know I'm well known for breaking the 4th wall. I even broke the 4th wall inside of a 4th wall at some point. Anyhoo, Anything involving the Resident Evil movie and game characters are not owned by the idiot writing this. Neither am I. Unfortunately, I don't even own me. Well get a move on, you morons. (some prick decided to give me shit for writing stories the way i do. only moving the title and disclaimer the the first fucking story content page to relieve me of this fucking bullshit. those jackasses probably consider this as not story content either.)

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Prologue

"Oh hi everybody. My name's Deadpool, but you already knew that. What you didn't know is that I'm Deadpool from the movie, but with a twist. I've been abducted. You wanna know who is the culprit? You guessed it, or you didn't. For those of you who didn't, some dickwad decided to pluck me from between the legs of my future babymomma and dropped me in a place that calls itself Raccoon city. I mean who name's a city after a vicious Raccoon. That's like naming a city after a certain someone." Said Deadpool. Then he looked around conspiratorially, then said to the readers, "That certain someone's name rhymes with pulverine. Now i know what you're thinking. Why is Deadpool in Raccoon City? Well here's my answer. Let's find out then get me back to the delicious pair of tits of my fiance." Then, Deadpool saw some guys rushing around in the streets and eating people. Deadpool dropped down and pulled out his handguns while rolling to his feet and said, "Oh look at all the hungry people." Then some of the hungry people ran at Deadpool and didn't make it two feet near him before Deadpool shot them down. Deadpool said, "Must've been really hungry normal people." Then one of them got back up while he was walking away and jumped on him biting him. "Owowowowowowow! That hurt. No hickies on the first date, mr bitey." said Deadpool for shooting him again and shooting some more before he realized. _Oh, that's why they're not dying willingly. They're zombies. Yay!_ Then he pulled out slicey and dicey and started slicing and dicing.

He killed several of the zombies before he started getting tired and said, "Man, dismembering these guys sure is fun. Unfortunately they're too many. I need to find something to munch on myself and somewhere to go beddy by. Do you guys know anywhere ideal? The local po-po station. Great idea. Lots of guns, donuts, and highly defendable. I could sleep through this whole ordeal." said Deadpool exhaustively. He arrived at the local RCPD station and dispatched some hungry dispatchers and went to sleep in the captain's office after eating some leftover donuts.

Deadpool woke up at night when he heard a loud noise outside. He immediately tried getting up before realizing he was in a chair and toppled off the chair and fell down. _Very smooth Wade, very smooth indeed._ Then he got up and looked outside the window. _Oh my, that guy's big and chasing some sexy blonde. Guess it's time to save the day and possibly get in her pants. Sorry Vanessa, but my big wiener has needs._ Then as he was jumping towards the window the girl came through and knocked into him. "Hey, don't knock into a guy trying to help you!" said Deadpool indignantly. Then she ran out the door in a hurry after getting up and Deadpool saw the guy staring at him and said, "Oh shit sticks. Hi. How are you? I'm Deadpool." Then Nemesis used his minigun and shot at Deadpool, but missed all except one bullet which got him in the dick. Nemesis left seeing him as a low level of danger, and Deadpool fell unconscious.

When Deadpool woke up he whined, "Owwwwww." After getting up he felt around down there and realized that he couldn't reattach his one eyed giant because it had exploded he sighed resigning himself to the slow regeneration of his dingus. Deadpool immediately gathered all the ammo he could and ran after the mystery blonde. _Man she is very fast and I see why she ran from Mr. Fugly. That guy has no sense of manly dignity or mercy. I'm going to give him a piece of his medicine._ Thought Deadpool. He arrived at a school and saw the girl there. He said, "Heya blondie. Remember me?" She looked at him and said, "No. Who are you supposed to be?" Deadpool looked at her quietly for a few seconds and then said, "Seeing as us meeting for the first time by knocking into each other at the RCPD station was immemorable to you let's try again. Hi I'm Deadpool. Who are you?" The girl turned away and got the remainders her group and a different guy Deadpool later learned was named Carlos. After the phone ringed she answered. Then after she had handed the girl the phone she went to inject Carlos with a green liquid. After that she took the phone again and stood listening. Then she informed the group that they were heading out. Deadpool elected to tag along and looked around for the first time and saw the city. "Man, this apocalypse blows. I wish it was the walking Dead apocalypse or the Zombieland Apocalypse." some of the group looked at him and an african american man said, "Dude, you high or something?" Deadpool said, "No, but I wish I was. It wasn't the first time i was stoned and daydreamed about an apocalypse. Though it was an apocalypse of ladies. They outnumbered men and I had one hell of a time." The other guy thought for a minute and grinned, "I wish I had your daydream when I was high." Deadpool looked at him seriously and said, "wouldn't recommend it. I wound up with my willy all raw from the year I spent high as balls. Didn't help that I was in the ocean either."

The man looked at him weirdly subconsciously moving his hand to his crotch and said, "Dude, you're a strange motherfucker." Deadpool gasped sarcastically and said, "There are kids present. Watch your language." Carlos passed him and said, "Hypocrite." Deadpool said indignantly, "Hey I'm not a hypocrite. I was being sarcastic when I chastised this man with the golden guns." Carlos ignored him and kept moving on. When they arrived at the helipad they moved stealthily. Deadpool whispered, "Leave this pooper scoopers to me. Watch how the pros do it Senior Carlos." Deadpool heard Carlos hiss, "I'm not mexican and you're a sorry excuse for a soldier." as he sneaked like a cartoon would. Deadpool quietly pulled out one of his si's and then turned to the readers and whispered, "Yes, the writer is bringing some things from my game to me for the story." then he stabbed one of the guards in the neck while holding his hand over a guards mouth. The other guard looked to the left and back, then quickly looked back just before Deadpool cleaved his head in two with dicey.

They made their way helicopter after all the guards they could see were there. Deadpool saw some guys appear after the girl went into the copter and asked Carlos, "What's the blonde badass chick's name? Is it Xena? Seems like a Xena. Maybe she's the fifth element. Just needs to be a ginger for that to be true. Then again maybe not." Carlos said, "Her name is Alice and shut up. We have to get on board." Deadpool said. "Sure, I'll shut up. When I'm dead or asleep, also we'll be captured in a few minutes. Just thought you'd like to know." Carlos immediately looked and before he reacted they were surrouned and before he could warn Alice a man in glasses dragged the girl they were to rescue and pulled her with him. Alice then got out and went to the middle. She looked around and saw everyone captured. Jill, Carlos, the gangster wannabe and the loudmouth. Then after Nemesis showed up the man in glasses said, "The two of you showed such promise, but we had to see you in action. And most impressive you've been. You're like brother and sister. Heightened speed, strength, agility, the same killer instincts. Parallel strands of research. And now… Now we'll discover which is superior. Fight him." Alice said, "No" The man in glasses replied calmly, "Fight him, or they die." Alice replied coldly, "What makes you think I care?" The man turned and shot the guy in a wheelchair and killed him. The little girl cried, "Daddy! Daddy, no." Alice looked with distraught on her face and said quietly, "No." The man in glasses calmly said, "He was a valuable asset to the corporation. Begin" Alice looked back and saw Nemesis. They fought for quite a few minutes, till Alice pushed Nemesis onto a sharp metal brace that Nemesis broke a piece from. Alice said, "I'm sorry. Oh, Matt. I'm so sorry." The man in glasses was about to say something when Deadpool rolled his eyes and said, "Bored!" Then he freed himself and punched at the nearest guard and threw a si at Carlos's bonds freeing him. Deadpool immediately sliced and diced the umbrella corporation's soldiers while jill and Carlos fought. Then Deadpool freed the man with the golden guns while he was swinging his sword and said, "Dr. Doolittle go get to the chopper!" Then he turned when he saw Nemesis pulling itself free while the man in glasses ran back to the copter. Deadpool was about to go help alice when he saw Nemesis shoot at the umbrella corporation soldiers on either side of her instead.

Then he got shot in the back and he turned around and said, "how dare you shoot a man in the back! Do you want to know why I wear red leather?" Then the man shot Deadpool in the chest with full auto while Deadpool said, "It's so the bad guys don't see me bleed. I hope you got your brown pants." Then Deadpool rammed into the guy turning him into a human shish kabab. Then he heard an explosion and saw a helicopter blade coming towards Alice and Nemesis. Just before it made contact Nemesis pushed Alice to the side. Deadpool ran to her and said, "Excuse me your ladyship, but Mr. Fugly didn't sacrifice himself for you, just so you could become some douchenozzle's plaything. Now let's go destroy Umbrella. They deserve to die for what they did to you and your fugly friend. You should be grateful he's dead anyway. He shot my dick off so I was going to return the favor." Alice glared at him and kicked him in the manberries before running to the copter. Deadpool groaned and muttered, "One of these days, I'm going to learn to think before i speak." Then he looked at the readers and said, "What?! I am capable of learning from my mistakes. And all of them happen cause of me either not thinking before I speak or for not thinking at all. So, logically I'll learn to think before I speak, but can't help with the not thinking part. You don't believe me? Yeah, you're probably right." Then he hurriedly ran to the copter before it took off and watched the Zombies eat the man in glasses alive and said, "Whoa that dingbat has become someone's happy meal." while flying away with the others. They thought they had escaped till they were shot down.

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See you guys next time on Resident Evil: Deadpool. I wonder what you guys will see or rather read next. Don't forget to leave reviews and tell your friends, girlfriends, and other dicksnippers about this story. Also, don't forget to read Soron66's Supernatural: Legend of the Rider. Though, you guys should mainly read me. Till next time. ciao.


	2. Chapter 1: He's all alone

Chapter 1: He's all Alone

"Hiya readers, as you know the last time you read this story I had found myself in a strangely named city called Raccoon City, and I had to slice and dice a lot of hungry people in order to escape. I even escaped a giant mutated walking freakshow. No not me, worse. Then after we saved some tiny baby maker we escaped, but in reality we came falling to our doom in a helicopter after being shot down. Of course I survived and i left the little group and went my own way. That leads us to now which is two years later and in Japan." said Deadpool not realizing that a bullet was heading his way. Then he fell down from getting shit in the back of the head.

"Ouch! That hurt! Ok, douchemonkeys who's the dickthistle that shot me in the back of my head, huh?" said Deadpool while getting up and turning around staring at the men who had shot him. "Shit! He's worse than Project Alice! How are we supposed to kill a guy who can heal extremely fast!?" shouted one of the men with fear in his voice. Deadpool stared at him and said, "I would ask if it was you but, you seem too much of a pussyface to shoot me in the back of the head." Then the men shot at him and Deadpool immediately ran and jumped in order to avoid a rocket launcher. Then, he pulled out two uzis he found recently and started spraying bullets around him. When he landed only ten of the men were left. Deadpool threw the uzis away and prepared to pull out slicey and dicey, but saw some of the zombies heading towards the men. He waved bye just as he grappled away with a stolen grapnel gun. "Now you guys get to know what it feels like to become a happy meal!" Deadpool shouted down.

"See kids you should never shoot your guns in a zombie infested world. Especially if you don't have a healing factor. I however don't care about the noise. I just like shooting things as well as slicing them. If only I had some nice bombs." Deadpool said to the readers while sighing. Then he heard a loud boom and whirled towards it. He immediately ran to the explosions point of origin and when he got there he saw an enormous crater. "My who created you?" Deadpool asked the creator. Then, he looked up and saw a plane heading towards some mountains.

Deadpool shrugged and immediately left the area. He decided to leave Japan because it was kinda boring there. When he got back to the states he saw a building surrounded and getting invaded by the Zombies. He pulled out a minigun he had stashed somewhere and said to the zombies, "Hey hungry hippos! It's dinnertime!" Then he started shooting the zombies with the minigun (Actually guys, the military call it a chaingun, because it uses a chain to hold the bullets. The chain gets fed through something and a hammer rapidly punches. Anyway back to the story. I can't promise anymore me not breaking the 4th wall though.) and shouted, "Get in line! Chimichangas on sale! Just for a few bullets shredding you!" He managed to kill quite a lot of zombies, but when the minigun clicked he balked and looked at it, then to the zombies, and back to the minigun. Then, he looked at the zombies again and pulled out slicey and dicey.

He sliced and diced for ten hours straight, but they kept coming. Then he decided to grapple away, and went to sleep after eating some food. When he woke up it was nighttime and he saw a fire on some sort of boat. He saw some guy floating around in the water and decided to go save him, but of course for a price. He'd figure the price out later though. After he saved him and brought him on shore of the opposite side of the one with a million zombies the man sat up punching Deadpool square in the jaw. "Hey! Is that how you treat the sexy ninja-like man who saved your tight ass from dying in the water!" Deadpool said indignantly. The man replied and said, "You were hovering above me. I don't like being hovered over. Who are you anyway?" Deadpool jumped back up and pulled out his blades and said, "I'm Deadpool! The merc with the mouth, and the sexiest man of all earth. So tell me Captain Cold, why were you doing the dead man's float out there in the big blue pool?"

The man looked at him and said, "It's none of your business. Who the hell is Captain Cold?" Deadpool merely blinked behind his mask and somehow his mask blinked as well. The man said, "Stop staring at me you leather wearing weirdo? Why do you wear that creepy mask anyway." Deadpool immediately said, "Because of this shit." and pulled up his mask. The man immediately backed up and pulled out his gun. Deadpool said, "Relax Jumpy Jerry. I'm not one of those stinky people. I'm unique and totally not made by Umbrella." The man slowly put his gun away and held out his hand. "I'm Chris Redfield." Deadpool said, "Nice to meet you Christie." while shaking his hand.


	3. Chapter 2: Saving Project Alice P1

Chapter 2: Saving Project Alice P1

"Oh hi there guys, it's been a while. If you've been reading any of my comics or seen any films that has me in it, then you'll know I'm Deadpool. Specifically Ryan Reynolds' version and not the shit ass Barakapool. Anyways, thank you Eman003 for liking my fantabulous story. I've had fun being vulgar and killing zombies. Last time you saw me in your mind you probably were wet dreams. However we're not here to talk about your sexual fantasies concerning me. We're here to talk about my life in the Resident Evil movie-verse. I thought that there would be scenarios concerning the games, but probably not in this book. Anyway, last time you saw me i had just saved a guy from drowning and that delicious looking guy was named Chris Redfield. I still can't tell the difference between him and Leonard Snart. They're both just as sexy as the other. Well, with no further ado…." Deadpool said just before getting shot in the head by some Umbrella soldiers. He got back up and yelled, "No killing me while I'm talking to the readers you asspirates!"

Deadpool pulled out his m9's and then shook his head and pulled out two miniguns and said, "Come get some bitchfucks!" Then he started shooting and the Umbrella guys couldn't get a shot in edgewise. Every time one of them stayed out longer than a second they got shot in the face and fell down. Deadpool kept going till the miniguns or chainguns, or whatever they're actually called ran out of ammo. Deadpool suddenly heard a series of rapid clicks and he said, "Oh fuck berries" then was shot in the head by the remaining 20 Umbrella Corp. soldiers. Chris pulled his body away from the rubble and prepared to shoot till he saw some zombies coming from behind the soldiers. He aimed his gun to keep the squad's attention and then the zombies attacked the soldiers and Chris ran with Deadpool mumbling about chimichangas.

Deadpool woke up and sat up quickly while shouting, "No those are my cookies!" Then he looked around and said, "Uh where am I and where are the shooting people?" Then a light turned on and a man said, "Deadpool. You are in a room at the white house. It's our final headquarters. I'm sure you're wondering where your friend is…." Deadpool interrupted, "Not really. Why am I here, and who are you mister trench guy?" The man replied, "My name is albert Wesker and you are here so i can send you to a remote Umbrella Corporation hive. It's in the arctic. I'm sending you and my top assassin Ada Wong to release project Alice from her cell." Deadpool perked up and said, "Oh you need me to save tiny tits? Sure i'm in, and i'll be in Ada wong too. I'm sure she's quite the pair of hot titties." Wesker rolled his eyes behind his dark shades and said, "You leave in the morning. Get some food and rest. You'll need it." Then he left and Deadpool said, "Time to find this Ada chick. I hope she doesn't rip my dick off. Not having that happen again." After Deadpool shuddered from the memory he left the room.

He kept staring at some of the ladies sexy butts, and wolf whistling. One of them kicked him in the nuts and Deadpool groaned in pain squeezing his legs together and cupped his nuts and said in a falsetto, "Not my big smooth criminals. Owwwwww." After Deadpool recovered he found the cafeteria and exclaimed, "Oh hey, look at all the sex dolls. Which one am i gonna have." His gaze scanned the room till he saw an asian woman. "Oh that must be Ada Wong. She looks like a Wong." Then he walked to the buffet table and got some pizza, pancakes, and some chimichangas and sat down next to Ada Wong. Then everyone stared at him and quickly looked away, but a few kept staring. "Nobody sits next to me. They all avoid me. Do you want to know why?" Deadpool forgot that he had a mask on and a the chimichanga only touched the mask. Then he said, "Shit. Sure tell me why." Then he removed the bottom portion of his mask and ate some of his chimichanga. Ada turned and said, "This is why." Then she shot him in the head."

After he woke up he said, "Owwwwwwwww." Then he looked around and everyone jumped and pulled out their side-arms. He said, "Relax, I'm not an Umbrella product. I'm something else. I'm completely autonomous. I have no desire to work for Umbrella. I just kill people for money. I especially kill people if I'm being paid to kill umbrella dicksniffers." Ada put her gun away and sat back down. Deadpool followed suit, but he didn't start eating cause his brains and blood were everywhere. He sighed then threw his food away and got some more. After a while ada asked, "Why are you like this? Unkillable i mean." Deadpool ate a few more bites of his food then said, "Some british doucheface made me this way. Sure, the cancer I had vanished faster than a detoxification process and I got an awesome healing ability. Unfortunately there was a side effect." Then he continued eating and Ada asked, "What was it?" Deadpool took his mask all the way off and said, "This fucktasity. I look like a human raison." Ada merely said, "I've fucked uglier. Killed prettier." Deadpool felt himself rise up and said, "Um excuse me I gotta go find the little boys room." Then he ran and  
Ada continued eating. When she was done she followed Deadpool.

After supper deadpool went to his room and dreamed a memory of what Ada did to him in the bathroom. In the morning Ada and Deadpool headed out to go do their mission. Deadpool said, "Ok guys this chapter is gonna be cut in half. The moron of a writer hasn't watched Retribution in a while and doesn't remember how the movie went all that much. You'll see the conclusion to this chapter after he does see retribution. I know, this chapter was hopelessly dull. There might actually be a pairing in this story after all. Guess you'll see if alice Ada and I get it on at the end of the second half of this chapter. Still no smut, though. Not that type of story. Ciao." Ada looked at him weirdly and asked, "Who are you talking to?" Deadpool gestured to the right and said, "The readers of course. Who else would I be talking to?" Ada raised and eyebrow and then leaned back and closed her eyes while she waited for them to arrive at the dropzone. Deadpool was doing the same when he turned to the right and said, "what are you guys still doing here? This half of the chapter is over with. Go move along. Seriously, go. Of course it's the writer that's keeping you here. Stop writing writer! Have a lovely chimichanga on me folks."


	4. Chapter 3: Saving Private Alice Part 2

Chapter 3: Saving Project Alice P2

"Hi there it's me Deadpool, but I guess you know that by now. Anyhoo, Me and sexy Miss Wong here were recruited to go rescue Project Alice. Yes that badass, super agile, sexy lady I last saw in the prologue. The same one you guys have been watching ever since the first movie...at least the fans who don't hate just because it's different from the games. The writer finally got to watching Resident Evil: Retribution, so that's why you're reading this chapter now. I'll probably get split up from the group, and just go on a zombie slicing spree. Then, we'll reunite when we leave the death trap underground. I hope this'll be more gore-tastic than the last chapter, because that one was duller than when I got butt fucked by my uncle. At least that was fun, once I got used to it. Writer, cue the imaginary music." said Deadpool just before they landed with Ada Wong rolling her eyes.

Few hours later Deadpool was separated from Ada when he heard a noise. He pulled out two assault shotguns and aimed towards the noise, but didn't see anything. Then he holstered them and continued down his current path. Then he literally ran into Ada when he rounded a corner falling on top of her. "Oh hey miss sexy. I didn't see ya there. Did you get too lonely without me near you?" Ada only kneed him in the sack and he fell down clutching them. "Oww my manberries. Why do you have to do that every time we see each other? It's either me getting shot in the head or my sexy testies getting kicked or kneed." said Deadpool getting up while still clutching his family jewels. Ada ignored him and kept moving, while Deadpool waddled behind massaging his balls. When Deadpool arrived at the control room he saw that Ada had already killed the desk jockeys. "Awww man. I wanted to kill some of them. Well, I guess I get to at least kill some zombies. Killing Zombies is always fun." said Deadpool.

Fifteen minutes later Alice walked in and noticed all the dead bodies, then saw some weapons rise up from the floor. "Oh yeah." She grabbed a knife then slid it in her boot and went to grab a gun, but was stopped by Ada. Alice knocked the gun out of Ada's hand, and Ada leapt to catch it. When Ada had caught it and brought to gun towards Alice, Alice had pressed the knife against her throat. "Don't." said Alice, to which Ada replied, "My name is…." Alice pressed the knife harder against her throat and said, "Ada Wong. Operative for the Umbrella Corporation. One of Albert Wesker's top agents. I know exactly who and what you are. Why don't I cancel your contract right now?" Deadpool pulled one of his shotguns and said, "Because i'll splatter your pretty brains out, and mourn your death later." Alice slowly pulled the knife away from Ada's throat and Ada lowered her gun in return. Deadpool slowly lowered his shotgun as well, then Alice threw the knife and hit his head. When Deadpool woke the ladies were staring out of the window. "Owwww. That was not as pleasant as getting killed by Ada Wong. Please don't do that again." Automatically Alice swung around pulling her guns out, but was held back by Ada. Alice looked at Deadpool and asked, "What the fuck are you?" Deadpool said, "I'm a military experiment. Don't worry your sexy legs about it. I'm not made by Umbrella. In fact I'm public enemy number two, with you right above me." Alice relaxed somewhat but kept her eyes on him for the rest of the time there.

After a few minutes they were walking down a packed street in the New York sector, and an automated voice said "Stand by. Stand by. New York sequence initialized." Ada informed Alice, "The Red Queen. She's activated bioweapons to stop us. Let's go." After Ada took a few steps Alice said, "Wait. You hear that?" Deadpool perked up and unsheathed his two katanas and said, "Finally! Now I get to party! Hey does anyone want to go for a chimichanga later?" Ada and Alice ignored him and pulled out their guns because they heard something over Deadpool's talking. "You know what it is?" asked Ada, and Alice replied, "I have an idea." Deadpool quickly changed to shotguns when he saw the two behemoths. "I got big ugly number two. You guys take big ugly number one." said Deadpool as he ran at ugly two. He shot the monster, but it didn't affect it. Then he was batted into a building, and he fell unconscious. After a few minutes he saw Alice and Ada fighting them both in their unique badass ways.

He tried to go help them but his legs were broken, so by the time he got there the fight was over. "Awww man. Logan always wins against the big ugly ones, and I get stuck with the midgets. I was hoping this was my chance to shine. Ah well, guess I'll stick with the small ones." The other two ignored him and moved on in a hurry. They arrived at a neighborhood and Deadpool got so bored decided to practice with his swords. "There's someone in the house behind you. Upstairs window." said Alice quietly to Deadpool and Ada. They entered a building and Deadpool remarked, "That takes penetration to a whole new level." when he saw a flowerhead zombie. Then he turned and said, "Hey legs. I didn't know you had a sister. I'm sorry for your loss by the way." Alice started, "I don't have a…" then saw the dead body just laying there on a coffee table. "They're using clones of me." Alice said angrily. Ada responded coldly, "Of course. You were one of the fifty basic models." Alice scoffed, "Basic models." and continued staring at her clone. Ada explains, "How do you think Umbrella populates these test scenarios. Hundreds of people dead each time they run a simulation. Umbrella imprints them with basic memories. Just enough to ensure a correct emotional response to the threat of the bio-hazard. In one life you could be a suburban housewife. The next a businesswoman in new York. The next, a soldier working for Umbrella." Deadpool added, "In another you could be a hooker or a slut." Alice then punched him in the face then shot him in the swinging cod. Deadpool went down groaning in pain and bleeding. He looked at Ada for help and she added insult to injury by kicking him in his bloody crotch. He saw Ada standing at the foot of the stairs while Alice went up them as he blacked out, but woke up to the sound of gunfire.

He hurriedly ran to help them even though Alice shot his dick and balls off and Ada kicked him in his bloody crotch. He ran to go join the firefight, but Alice held him back and said keep little Becky safe or you'll have to regenerate more than your reproductive organs. Deadpool looked at her seriously and said, "There's a kid here? All you had to ask. No matter how much I love violence I hate seeing kids get hurt. I'll keep her safe till we get out of this hellhole. I swear on the virginity I lost to my aunt a long time ago that I'll protect her at all costs. Alice looked at him and smiled realizing that he acquired a sense of honor and isn't a complete douche when it comes to kids since the last time she saw him. Deadpool stayed by the girl the entire time and shot a few of the men that came near him and the kid. He sliced up most of them. He did have the girl cover her ears, mouth, and eyes first before hand though. Alice hurried back and urged Deadpool and the girl to leave, but Deadpool halted and looked back then to the kid, and back to the house again. Deadpool said, "Sorry Ada. I have a promise I have to keep. I'll be back. Hehe Terminator quote." Then he hurried after Alice, and they stopped when they heard an explosion and looked back. Deadpool saluted Ada, and said, "Farewell Ada. You will be thought about by nobody, except barely by me." Alice hurried them both on and stayed behind for a few.

When they arrived at a tunnel the group heard gunshots and Deadpool said, "I'll go see if the chuckle snorts need help you guys stay here. This is the best way to keep her safe Alice. I never break a promise….ok I did once, but I was dying from cancer. So I believe I'm allowed that exception." Alice started to object, but Deadpool had already hurried off. He found a minivan and hotwired it then took off, and found the men being attacked by a bigger ugly creature than the big uglies from earlier. He rammed into it and said, "Hey fellas. Come on in. The seats are heated, and there's hot cocoa...ok not the cocoa." An african american man got in first and said, "Shut up and drive." Deadpool looked at him and said, "Drive I can do. Shutting up...not so much."

Then a man with some bangs asked, "Where's Ada?" Deadpool raised and eyebrow then said, "She didn't make it. Why do you want to know?" Bang man asked, "Did you see her die?" Deadpool replied, "No. you still haven't answered my question." Bang man replied, "Ada always has a plan and i'm not going to answer your question mask head." The african american was about to ask a question when they were attacked by jeeps with miniguns on them and some bikers. They kept driving a ways till Deadpool slammed on the brakes while turning the wheel. A biker rammed into the car when Deadpool slammed on the gas and went down an alley. They were still being pursued and a biker got alongside the car and shot into the driver's side door. Every bullet pierced Deadpool's body, and he yelled, "Motherfucker!" while ramming him into a construction vehicle causing his bike to explode. Deadpool asked, "Would you mind answering those fuckheads many questions my sexy friends?" Bang guy and red shirt guy automatically turned around and started shooting their handguns through the back of the car. They kept getting chased and shot at till they turned and played chicken with one of the bikers. Deadpool swung at the last few seconds and opened the door tripping the biker causing him to fly into the air before falling onto the ground. They sped down the road and the red shirt guy yelled, "Our big friend is back!" Deadpool looked in the rearview mirror and said, "Cancer is teddy bears and lollipops compared to this clusterfuck. Grrr."

The creature ran after them and generally ignored the other zombies and Deadpool said, "Almost there crackerjacks! Hold on to your anuses!" The african american raised himself in his seat as Deadpool ran a ramp and they went skidding down a stairwell into a tunnel and kept driving knocking down supports causing the ceiling to collapse on the licher. Deadpool said, "That was fun. Gotta do that again. Just not when I'm alive and being chased by a big fugly fuck head." the african american said, "Agreed." Then they exited the car and went looking for Alice. Deadpool yelled, "Alice! Where are you? Did you fall down the rabbit hole again?" Alice, the girl and the Umbrella soldier's look alike walked out from behind a pillar. After, they found their bearing they headed out.

They arrived at an elevator and the red shirted guy whose name Deadpool found out was Barry Barton activated it and said something about men's sportswear. Then an alarm sounded as the lights went out except for flashing lights. Deadpool stayed by Becky's side while the others moved off of the lift. After a few minutes Barry shot at the licher that had returned before getting batted aside. Then, Becky looked up and yelled, "Mommyyyyy!" before getting wrapped up by it's tongue. Deadpool shot his two uzi's at it alongside the useless woman before they both got swatted aside. The woman cracked her neck while deadpool broke his back against the wall. The african american kneeled by the now dead woman and then turned to Deadpool. "Uh mind re snapping my spine back together big guy? I can't be a hero and go after the girl like this. It will heal on it's own, but you helping me will speed up the process." The african american thought for a few seconds before he and bang guy whose name was Leon snapped Deadpool's spine back into place. "My name is Luther by the way." said Luther. Alice walked up and Luther said, "She's dead." which caused Alice to get even angrier and picked up the gun from the floor. She went to the elevator, but Leon got in her way and asked, "Where are you going?" Alice replied calmly, "She's still alive. I'm going to get her." Leon replied sternly, "I haven't lost this many friends just so you could get yourself killed. She's not important." Alice replied angrily, "That's where you're wrong." just before Deadpool punched Leon in the face and yelled, "Get it through your thick skull you cocksucking cumgurgler. That girl is far more important than any of us, especially Alice. Without children the human race has zero chance of returning. We're going to get her, and nobody can stop us you assface. Comprende?" Alice said, "I agree with you Deadpool, but you're not coming. Stay here in case the Umbrella soldiers arrive." Leon reluctantly got out of the way and Alice went to the elevator and used the grapnel gun to get up to the hole where the giant licher vanished into.

Luther got shot and Deadpool automatically fired back and killed two soldiers. Barry, Luther, Leon, and deadpool kept firing at them but more soldiers arrived and at the head was the woman with the spider device on her chest. Deadpool said, "Fuck this." and pulled out his katanas and ran at the soldiers slicing them up and managed to kill quite a few of them before getting shot in the head. When he woke up he heard Leon yell, "Fall back to the elevator!" to which Barry replied, "You go. I'm gonna stay here a while." Leon yelled back, "Barry!" Barry said, "When that countdown gets to zero you gotta be on that elevator. Someone's gotta stay here Leon. Besides..." Barry shot some soldiers before continuing, "I'm kind of enjoying myself." Then Leon shot a soldier just before Barry said, "Go!" and Leon nodded while Luther yelled, "Come on!" and shot some more of the soldiers. Deadpool, Leon, and Luther shot at the soldiers while retreating. After a few minutes Leon and Luther looked at their watches then each other and an explosion occurred. After the elevator raised till it was almost at the top Leon stopped the elevator and raised his rifle alongside Luther. Deadpool brightened when he saw Alice and Becky were safe. Then they hopped onto the elevator and Leon started the elevator again. "Nice to see that you two ladies are safe." Alice merely nodded and Becky was hugging her crying into her chest.

They were riding in the snow vehicle when a submarine knocked the vehicle onto its side while it was rising from the ice. When they had gotten out of the vehicle with Becky safe inside they saw a door open. The head girl whose name was Jill apparently strolled out first, then Ada in cuffs and the soldier bitch right behind her. "Told you she'd have a plan." said Leon and Alice just looked shocked and said, "No you didn't." Leon then cocked his head at Deadpool and Alice narrowed her eyes at him. "Hey, if I had remembered I would've told you. To be fair, there was a lot going on today. With all the running and killing of soldiers you would forget as well." Then Alice asked Jill, "Only the two of you?" which Jill responded by saying, "It'll be enough." then looked at the soldier and nodded. The bitch who was named Rain weirdly enough injected herself with the las plagas parasite whacked Ada in the back of the neck. Jill ran at them while Leon, Deadpool, and Luther shot their handguns at Rain with no effect. The bullets when through her body till they ejected out of her fingers. Deadpool said, "That's just fucked up shit right there." Then she ran at them while they ran to the side and away from Alice. Leon pulled out a knife and stabbed at her, but it was knocked away and she punched at him. Then punched at Luther and kicked at Deadpool. Leon and Luther kicked at her, but she blocked them then kicked at Luther's knee causing him to fall to his knee.

She followed up by punching Leon in the side and grabbing Deadpool's neck then snapping it like a twig. When Deadpool woke up Luther was dead and Leon was flying through the air. He saw Alice shooting Rain in the back stopping her from killing off Leon. Rain charged at Alice and palmed her in the chest shattering her ribs. Then Deadpool ran at her and sliced and diced at her, but she knocked both blades away and kicked out breaking his leg then punched him down on the ice repeatedly. Then Alice attacked knocking Rain away from Deadpool in order for Deadpool to relocate his leg. Deadpool pulled out both of his shotguns and shot Rain in the back point blank and she went flying back. Then he continued his assault till his shotguns clicked empty. He threw them down and then said, "Uh oh." before getting uppercutted and flying three the air till he landed next to his swords. She ran towards Deadpool and he grabbed his sword stabbing at her. Then he lifted up and she just hung there, but then grabbed his hands and pulled them away and kicked him with both feet. She pulled the swords out of her chest and walked towards Deadpool, and got shot in the back. She turned around and went straight for Alice. Just before she got there Deadpool put his hand over her arm and the spun her away pulling the pin of a grenade. He head the pin up and she widened her eyes just before her head exploded like a pumpkin. Unfortunately the ice started cracking because of that explosion. He hurriedly got his katanas and sheathed them. Just then a helicopter appeared and Jill helped bring the wounded and the dead onto it.

When they returned to the white house Alice was feeling much better, and the same goes for Leon and Ada. They walked till they reached Wesker's office, but only Alice was allowed in. Deadpool decided to go to the roof and watch the battles. Deadpool heard Wesker speaking after a few minutes about the last something of the human race. "It seems we're bonded against a common foe. This is why we needed you back. The ultimate weapon." He paused while they all reached the edge of the roof and continued, "This is humanity's last stand. The beginning of the end." Deadpool looked at the readers and said, "Ok this is it for this chapter guys. The writer will try to write the next chapter as soon as he can. The next chapter will take place before the final chapter. More of a training, patrolling, screwing, etc montage. Since it's clear that Ada has no interest in me except seeing humor in me dying over and over and causing manhood pain I won't be trying to get in her pants. Might try to get into Jill or Alice's pants. Alice and I have a lot more in common than Ada and I do. Still no smut by the way. Also the chapter the writer is going to call the final chapter might be in two parts. One will be configuring the movie's story to include me and the other will be something else. He doesn't know yet. Also he'll be having Chris return...probably. When he does i'm going to shoot him for abandoning me in the previous chapter. Bye."


	5. Chapter 4: The End?

Chapter 4: The End?

"Hi guys it's me Deadpool, and I'm currently running away from a zombie horde! I have no weapons what so ever, so I'm like a rabbit or a squirrel being chased by hungry wolves! This is not fun, oh look there's Alice!" said Deadpool as he ran as fast as he could from the horde behind him. He managed to just get past as Alice set off the trap which caused Deadpool to get thrown fifty feet into the air and crash landed on the ground another fifty feet away. Alice rolled her eyes as she walked passed him and he groaned, "Owwwwww" Jill raised an eyebrow then helped him up and he said, "Thanks Jill. You know where Jack is?" and Jill laughed at his joke genuinely. "You have got to stop with joking at a time like this Wade. One day it'll get you killed." said Jill with a smile in her voice as well as worry. Deadpool thrust out his chest and said, "Who me? I'm Deadpool. It is impossible for me to die!" Jill snorted and pulled Deadpool as she left. As he was being dragged Deadpool turned to the readers and said, "Oh yeh. I'm definitely gonna have a piece of that ass. She actually can stand me."

The next day Jill and Alice went off to do another mission but Deadpool was told to stay by Alice, and Jill smiled apologetically at him before she followed. "The Red fucking Queen is gonna kill you Alice. Mark my fucking words. Wonderland is not your fucking heaven, it's your hell." muttered Deadpool when she was out of earshot and far enough away that she couldn't read his mind. Deadpool acquired his katanas, guns, and other devices of destruction before he headed out. Deadpool wandered around after he got off the helicopter that took him out safely and accidentally bumped into someone. Deadpool immediately jumped back and saw Chris who stared at Deadpool with fear, then Deadpool pulled out a gun and shot Chris in the leg. He turned to the readers and said, "I told you I was gonna fucking shoot him last chapter when I saw him again."

Chris woke up and saw that he was bandaged where Deadpool shot him and groaned, "You didn't have to shoot me ya know." Deadpool said sarcastically, "Of course not. We could've just gone out for a coffee, some dinner, then maybe had a fuck session even though YOU LEFT ME FOR DEAD!" Chris groaned and said, "Fucking lunatic." before he rolled over and fell back to sleep. Deadpool went back to cleaning his guns and testing the blade's sharpness on his thumb till he was hungry and grabbed a few pizzas he stole from Washington D.C. "Nothing fills your stomach like a cheese filled crust extra cheese cheese pizza." said deadpool in a muffled tone to the readers as he ate his food. The next day Chris woke again and said, "I left cause I saw you get shot by a whole army of Umbrella soldiers. Nobody could survive that." Deadpool bopped him on the head and said, "Silly, I'm not nobody I'm Deadpool and nobody can fucking kill me. It's the other way around." Chris snorted then smelled the pizza that Deadpool ate and realized he was hungry. "You got any food Wade? I'm starving." Deadpool considered then gave him a protein shake and Chris hurriedly drank it then said, "What the hell was that?" Deadpool smiled from behind his mask and said, "That was a protein shake." Chris threw a rock at Deadpool which bonked him on the head then said, "You're an asshole Wade." then they both broke out into laughter till they heard a familiar sound.

Deadpool and Chris immediately raised their guns and said, "Let's see who's the best zombie killer." at the same time then fired as the zombies ran at them. The corpses kept piling up till the doorway was blocked and no more zombies could get in. Deadpool and Chris said, "50 dead by my hand!" at the same time and groaned as they were tied yet again. Suddenly the building started toppling and they fell out of the open window into the horde of zombies. As they were falling Deadpool said, "Shit I forgot to leave a note for Jill." Deadpool immediately got up and sliced then diced at the zombies as the closed in around him. Chris also fought back but Deadpool couldn't get to Chris in time before a big guy came by and turned Chris into a stain on the cement with his giant hammer axe.

Deadpool growled, "You just turned my friend into toothpaste and I don't have many of those!" then pulled out bazookas in each hand then said, "Say hello to my big friends!" right before firing them and caused an explosion so big it knocked him back into another universe. He stood up and stretched his back right before he said, "Where the fuck am I now?" Suddenly an arrow flew at him then tied him up at the same time. "Slade you should still be on the island prison." said a menacing voice and Deadpool said, "Oh look it's Hawkeye. How's retirement from Avenger life treating you….or how is being on the run from the government? Whichever you're at right now." the man in the hood bent down then said, "You're not Slade." Deadpool looked at him and said, "You should know that hawkeye, and who the fuck are you?" The man didn't answer and instead shot an arrow and grappled away before the Argus came and arrested Deadpool. On the ride to wherever he was going he said, "Well readers the end came a lot sooner than anticipated. As you can see the doucheface of a writer decided to put me in another universe not my own. Can any of you tell me where the fuck I am?" then he was suddenly rendered unconscious by the guards and blacked out.


End file.
